A Self Portrait.

hallo...i'm susan.

Funny thing how I still feel a little lost about what to do with my life…then I read my last post, and it makes me feel better. 

So, graduation kind of sucks….it’s only been three weeks since I graduated and I am already missing college and highland breakfast burritos… : (

Since, I am semi-unemployment. I have a lot of time sitting at home and indulging myself in daily-emotional-rants/ contemplations about my life…

Goal: To direct and feature length film…someday 

The question is how do I get there? I dunno. I think I should start blogging to keep myself accountable for being productive daily. 

Currently this internship right now is pretty alright. I get to do what I want to do, but the thing is - it’s only going to be a month long. 

One of the first thing I need to do to reach my goal is to start sending my films to festivals. 

Today…was a pretty unmotivated day - a lazy day I can say.

- woke up 
- had some lor mi ji while watching drama (highlight of my morning)

- then because of traffic…why do people drive under the speed limit in Tucson!!!…I was kinda late for an event that I was suppose to take pictures for

- then went to school, took pictures of Scott Cohen - it was a pretty tiring 5 hour workshop (btw Scott Cohen is amazing, can’t wait to see his movie, “The Other Woman”)

- Then drove back to Phoenix. On my way back to Phoenix, I spent two hours reflecting on what Scott Cohen said….”You guys are one of a few people out there that are doing what you are doing because you know that you want to do it. But…knock on wood…hopefully you’ll make money from it.” 

(Yep…I should have changed to a science major.)

The big question is HOW AM I GOING TO GET STARTED? I mean, I can’t just move to LA…not right at this moment. But, if I don’t move to LA, then how am I going to meet people? If I don’t network, how am I going to succeed….

So, I’m pretty much screwed. I should just go to grad school for the next two years or so, and then afterwards find a normal and practical job. Then, live an easy life. 

I was pretty emotionally defeated on my drive back to Phoenix. I mean, it feels like I been spending four years in college for the purpose of pursuing a “dead end” pretty much…

Then, as if God appeared out of thin air…well not literally. 

He brought me this passage from “My Utmost for His Highest.”

We all have many dreams and aspirations when we are young, but sooner or later we realize we have no power to accomplish them. We cannot do the things we long to do, so our tendency is to think of our dreams and aspirations as dead. But God comes and says to us, “Arise from the dead … .” When God sends His inspiration, it comes to us with such miraculous power that we are able to “arise from the dead” and do the impossible. 

http://utmost.org/the-inspiration-of-spiritual-initiative/

Reading this passage made me feel a sense of relief - like a giant boulder is removed off my chest. I know that God is putting me through film school for a reason, and I know for sure that reason is not to throw my talents away after fours years of education. I know he wants me to do something with it, and He’s telling me not to give up - for he has plans, and his plans will come at the perfect timing. 

God, sometimes I just need a big hug from you.

I personally don’t think I’m a good writer, nor am I someone who can easily express myself vocally or with words. However, I just really feel like writing. 

Lately for the past few months or so, I feel really isolated from the world. It feels as if no one knows that I exist - I’m sure people do - but I just feel so like in my own world. So insecure. So invisible. Maybe it’s because of my mom - I have to drive back to Phoenix every weekend. It’s actually really tiring. Since it’s my senior year, I feel that I should make it the best year EVER! - but there are so many obstacles and challenges I face now - they are pressing down really hard. 

I feel like I’m missing out a lot, but every single time I go back to see her I know it’s worth it. Thinking it this way makes me feel a little better, makes me feel that I’m going through this for a reason - a really good reason. 

I have been reading through Matthews this past month. Jesus’s greatest challenge was probably His death. He knew he had to do it. He knew his outcome and consequences. He knew what people will think of him after. He knew people will still hate him. But, he still did it. After predicting this death for the 3rd time in chapter 20, the next few chapters basically are all his words. Especially 23 - 25, it’s all him talking. 

He knows he doesn’t have much time left, and he has a bunch of things to say while he’s still in this world. He preaches a fair amount on the 2nd coming. 

I’m not sure how these few chapters in Matthews really relate to how I feel now, but it’s really encouraging to see God’s passion for people - that we aren’t alone and isolated - that he’s going to come back for us - that no matter what He’s here. 

Again, I’m not good with words, but God’s passion for people is truly inspiring and real. 

Sometimes I am so taken away by “life,” that I tend to forget to sit down, relax, and breathe. I also tend to forget the one initial purpose I’m living for…

God.

God, 

This is the biggest challenge you have ever given me. Please let me bear through the emotional pain. God, I don’t want to wake up every morning in fright. I don’t want to sleep with nightmares. I don’t want to sleep under my pillows anymore. Please let my prayers keep my sanity. Please let my prayers give me peace. Please have mercy…

So lately I have been struggling with an personal issue.

Since the start of this issue, I felt that God kept telling me to be patient with this person. I didn’t really know if I was hallucinating, or I am just trying to comfort myself by being “patient;” however, at about 2 in the morning I came across Jacob and Rachel’s story in Genesis.

Jacob fell in love with Rachel, so he was willing to work for Rachel’s father, Laban, for seven years in order to marry her. However, Laban tricked Jacob to marry Leah his oldest daughter. But, Jacob loved Rachel so much, he was willing to work for another 7 years. So, Jacob waited a total of 14 years to marry Rachel.

The commentary on this study Bible says, “The most important goals and desires are worth working and waiting for. Movies and television have created the illusion that people have to wait only about an hour to solve their problems are get what they want. Don’t be trapped into thinking the same is true in real life. Patience is hardest when we need it the most, but it is the key to achieving our goals.”


For some reason, reading this allowed me to come to realize that I am not struggling with what I am struggling with, but I am having trouble understanding the importance of enduring and being patient. I am struggling with time. I am doubting God’s handle of time. Simply, I am questioning what’s taking God so long to help me solve my problem.

But, I come to realize that I overlook the fact that God KNOWS how to handle time. He KNOWS the hows, whats, whens, and whys. He KNOWS what is best and when it should happen. Patience is simply trusting God and allowing him to completely take over.

I dunno what’s going on with me, but recently I just don’t want to see people or even be around them. 

If I can, I just wanna go somewhere foreign, where no one knows me, and do something for God. 

Just like go on a trip with God. Alone. Just Us. 

It’s always nice to get recommended by someone to fill in a certain position on film sets.

I just got asked last weekend to sound mix for a film next weekend. I was excited, and was ready to help out.

However, I got the script today, and it was a very artsy independent film. There was gang bang scene in there, and a lot of similar scenes.

I made a promise to the production coordinator; however, I had to take that promise away.

I know it is important to make connections and network with people since it’s really competitive to get into this industry, but however…

I have my own morals.

I just cannot help out on this film.

When I was skimming through the script, God was totally saying “NOOOOOOOOOOO.”

I can’t do it. No matter how much I love film, I can’t disregard myself and my beliefs.

OMGOSH! This is soooooooooooooo true.

"A woman doesn’t want to be related to with formulas, and she certainly doesn’t want to be treated like a project that has answers to it. She doesn’t want to be solved, she wants to be known.”

- John Eldredge , Wild at Heart

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